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FreedomSeeker
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Name: Anna
Birthday: 10/31/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading, hanging out with friends, thinking about life...
Expertise: Math, history, physics, and most other school subjects.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/16/2003
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| Isn't it amazing how we can put on a happy face to the world and joke about the pain that's crushing us on the inside. How we can carry on normal conversations over chat while crying quietly at our computer?
God fucking damn it. I should have known better than trying to start a relationship in the month of November in my senior year. Also, I should fucking give up on guys that I have crushes on. It just doesn't work for me.
Arrg. I hate life right now. Damn it. What is it with the guys I have crushes on and leading me on? I am far from the innocent little person I was in high school, and it takes a lot more to make me think you like me and would date me, but I think making out with me at a few parties despite both of us knowing better is hard to misinterpret. Fuck.
Well, at least I get points for being brave enough to actually ask you out. And if you weren't so broken it might even have worked. At least I get to walk away from this knowing that it's not my fault.
*sigh*
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| You know those moments of realization? Those times you finally figure something out about your life? And sometimes the realizations are good and sometimes they really suck. Like realizing that people who you thought were your friends weren't. Or people who said they were your friends proceeded to treat you like they don't give a damn about you.
I hate this fucking place. And the people who go here. Who don't have a clue about how social interactions work. Who profess friendship but don't know how friends are supposed to act. I hate the selfishness that permeates this place. I don't know if it's just MIT, or if the whole world is like this, or maybe college age people in particular are this bad, but damn, people are selfish! I don't know, maybe selfish isn't the right word. Maybe it's self obsessed. But they hardly seem to notice the people around them. It seems to me like here we are, 93 people living together for a whole year. We all know eachother. We may not all be friends, but I hang out with a good quarter of the population on a regular basis. And we can watch movies together, and laugh and play games together, sure. Most people have mastered the art of "hanging out." But does anybody truly notice the people around them? That they have feelings and dreams? Maybe it's because everybody is so obsessed with rationality, so they miss these things. Or maybe it's because they lack empathy (like people who are very good at rational/mathy things are apt to -- there's been studies on this phenomenon). What ever it is, it makes it really hard to live here. Especially when you just need a hug and nobody seems to notice, even when you've told them how lonely and sad you're feeling. I know, you have finals. So do I. But I would gladly stop studying if you, my friends, needed me. All I ask is that you act like you care. Saying that you do isn't enough. Politely telling me that you need to study when I start trying to talk to you (because there is nobody else here that I can talk to) isn't friendship. Maybe in your demented world it is. But not to me. You should have spent less hours being perfect at math in high school, and more learing how social interaction works.
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| I'm either going to fail quantum this semester, or I'm going to have to drop it and take it next spring. Which means that whatever small chance I had of getting into grad school to begin with will be even smaller now. I feel like I had a great deal of potential coming out of high school and I messed it all up along the way, somehow. I wish I could start over. It doesn't really help to tell me that it's my fault. I know it is. Wish someone would listen without judging. I'm tired of taking whatever my professors and the MIT physics department chooses to throw at me. I was completely burned out by the second week of this semester. I wonder if I should just give up on grad school already. Look for an internship with a hedge fund this summer (if it's not too late) and enter the higher calling of making lots of money. Declare 8B (it's a physics major with a concentration in another field, it doesn't require taking quantum, or a thesis and I would be one class away from completing the requirements for it if I switched). Just give up. Or maybe I still have some hope of getting in on pity? You know, the whole "women in science" thing. Apparently physics is only like 20% women and this is a big deal. Though I know many much more qualified women from MIT who will be applying for the same programs as me, so maybe not. It seems so easy when I think about it.... just make it through quantum this semester and it'll all be good. You'll never have to take it, ever again. But then I try to do the homework and it's just... I think the best word for it is fog. Really, I read the questions and I have no idea. I know that I am supposed to conjure up the answer somehow, but I have no idea what I'm doing. And I know I should stay in the class at least through the midterm, just to see how badly I can fail a test, but really. There are two problem sets for the class between now and then. Plus I have a presentation for lab. And another midterm on the same day. If I were to even attempt to do good on this test I would have to sacrifice all those things, and even then I would probably fail, and drop the class, and then I would have bad grades in lab and astrophysics as well. I don't really know what will be worse at this point... keeping the class and getting a C, and possibly bad grades in the rest of my classes as well, or dropping it and having schools see that I have dropped it and know that I can't do quantum. I don't see why they particularly care, seeing as how their undergrads don't have to take this much quantum. *sigh* Maybe I will end up getting into grad school somewhere. But it won't be any good. So what do I do if I don't get into a good grad program? Do I care? Well, yes, if I want to stay in academia, I need to go to a good grad school, otherwise no one will take me afterwards.
Don't you hate it when you're too stupid to accomplish your dreams?
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| I'm at the Vagina Monologues rehearsal. It's fun, but since I have one of the the ones way in the beginning, I have to sit for two hours with nothing to do. I mean, it's a lovely show, but I've seen it a total of nine times now, and it does get old eventually.
It's Valentine's Day and I haven't seen Brad all day. It's not a day I particularly like, and today has been faaaar too long. But on the plus side, it snowed! There's lots and lots of it!
We're going out to dinner tonight. I hope the resturant is worth it, because I'm spending this week's salary on it. *sigh* Sometimes I really wish I could love a field that had more prospect for financial success.
Classes are actually good this semester. We're talking about the quantum that goes on inside white dwarfs and neutron stars, which totally makes up for all the nastiness. JLab is fun thus far. It's probably because we have another three weeks to do this experiment and I haven't even started thinking about the data analysis yet, but whatever. Our prof is cool, the other guys doing the same exeriment as us are hilarious. And my partner is easier to work with this semester. So take that deserting bitch! (My partner from last semester left me because she wasn't hard core enough. We're friends and I love her, but really! Abandoning me to face JLab all by myself is just mean.)
But the best thing about this semester is all the astrophysics. The calculation of Kepler orbits... I remember in tenth grade, in UMTYMP, the prof proved one of Kepler's laws in class. That's when I fell in love with math. Now we're routinely proving all of Kepler's laws on our homework (by various different methods)! And then there is the seminar on brown dwarfs and extrasolar planets. Today Josh showed a transiting light curve to the class and the author credits were "Winn, Holman, and Roussanova." :) *sigh* I want there to be seminars in the future, reputed scientists giving talks, showing slides with pictures of my data and findings at conferences.
As much as I hate it, I sometimes really love MIT.
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